Overcoming Heartbreak And Finding The Courage To Go On My Own
The Test
It was February 24th, 2007. My ex-boyfriend who had been deployed to Iraq for a year had completed his tour and was stationed in Friedberg, Germany. Our #relationship was different to say the least. Him, an Italian/Irish graduate of Westpoint, hailing from Long Island, NY and me, a bartender in Las Vegas, yet to complete college. He was on the phone with me, a luxury we cherished while he was deployed. He was upset and crying, not the boo-hoo ugly crying but the silent, tear roll down the cheek type of crying. I remember hearing, "My family says I have to cancel the trip. This isn't me. I need to focus on my family right now. This isn't the right time for me to be in a relationship. You can't come." He broke up with me just 5 days before my first international trip was planned.
"He broke up with me just 5 days before my first international trip was planned."
The next few days were an emotional blur. I will say that the conversations over those days were full of tears and pain. I was devastated. The person whom I considered the love of my life had told me that his family wasn't accepting of me even though they had yet to meet me in person and because of their disapproval, he was acquiescing to their desire for the termination of the relationship. All of these conversations centered primarily around race and status. Our relationship was over through no fault of my own. Needless to say I was abhorred at the fact that #racism, something so trivial and made up, was negatively impacting my life to the degree that it was in this day and age.
So there I was heartbroken with 5 days on the calendar before this big trip that was planned. Oh the plans! I am a #Virgo and therefore, extremely detail oriented. I think that I had every hug, kiss, photo op, and more planned out. And the surprises like a weekend trip to Praiano, Italy near the Amalfi Coast; so many surprises to welcome the person I loved back home, albeit in Germany, celebrating his being out of harm's way.
It was clear over those few days that there was no changing of minds. Interestingly enough, I never once considered canceling my #vacation. Although the trip was intended to be a reunion with my boyfriend, the trip was also fulfilling a personal goal that I had set for myself before I ever met him. I had given myself the goal of #traveling abroad by age 25. I was already in my early 20's and felt my time for obtaining that goal was quickly closing in. I wasn't going to let something that I had dreamed about for so long be put on hold due to ignorance. I'm unsure if it was out of pure indignation about the situation or sheer determination of doing what I set out to do, but what I do know is that no one was going to tell me what I couldn't do.
What Happened Next
What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. When I suddenly found myself single and plans thwarted with no where to stay, I sprung into action on trying to figure out last minute lodging. Of course everything was expensive because it was so close to the trip date and this was pre-AirBnb and pre-app life, thus my options were limited. But it soon dawned on me that I had a friend whose husband had been stationed in Kaiserslautern, Germany near Ramstein Air Force Base. Because my friend moved around a lot with her husband's deployments, we hadn't spoken in about 2 years. Still, we were very close and she was essentially a big sister to me, so I knew that I could reach out.
I got in touch with her and explained what happened and asked if I could stay with her family while I was in Germany. She agreed without hesitation and immediately set up to pick me up from the airport when I arrived. Thankfully, I now had a home base for this 17 day trip.
When I arrived at #Frankfurt Airport, my mood was somber. I still wore this shirt I had made for my ex which was a photo of us with some cheesy caption about how we made it through deployment. I had hoped that he would have found the courage to go along with his heart, rather than fold under the thumb of the family but to my chagrin, he was not there. The movie I had played in my head so many times of laying eyes on him in the airport after more than a year and running into his arms was not to be. My friend was a bit late so I fumbled around for my luggage while taking in the experience of this foreign land. It was gloomy outside and cold. I fought back my tears while I tried to navigate the airport and offer a smile back to a lot of the stares I was getting. About 30 minutes later my friend arrives. I hear her voice, "MAHOGANY!" It was so comforting. When I turned around and we made eye contact, I couldn't hold it back any longer and began to cry. Notwithstanding the tears, I was about to learn just how strong and resilient of a person I am.
The Trip
Now that my focus was shifted from spending time with a specific person, I actually needed to find things to do in Germany which I hadn't been too concerned with before. I explored #Kaiserslautern for a few days. It is a cute small town. I also was able to spend one day in Frankfurt. I enjoyed some fantastic Reisling in both places.
As the days went on, I couldn't help but to feel like a burden because my friend's life was completely different from mine. She had her two children and daily activities that centered around that. Cooking dinner for the family every night. Play dates with the other military moms, etc.
In addition to the culture shock, I hadn't anticipated the pain I felt knowing my ex was just a few hours away. It was this agonizing longing that you can only know if you have endured a deployment with a loved one. Ironically, we were closer when he was deployed. Every call was to me. I clutched my phone at all times during those days as not to miss one. They would come at 2am and 3am often. So many letters and emails and so much anticipation of when we could finally see each other in person again. I felt despondent because being prevented from the actualization of all that anticipation was emotionally crippling.
Despite my feelings, at Ramstein I was able to enjoy myself a bit. We did fun things on the base like bowling and attended casino night and I had my Goddaughters there to help keep my spirits up.
I was determined to make the most of my trip. I had wonderful friends back home who encouraged me and my mom and grandmother were there to support me.
My grandmother in particular was a source of strength for me because she too had experienced something similar. Growing up in pre-Civil Rights Jim Crow South, as a young woman she had fallen in love with a fellow whose family had forced them apart. She never allowed anything to break her so I knew that I could not allow the loss of this relationship to break me down. To help get myself out of the funk, I decided to visit some neighboring countries. I had no idea then that the spirit of #wanderlust was forging within me.
On the Ramstein base I found an advertisement for an affordable 4-day all-inclusive bus trip to Paris. The only thing I knew about Paris was what I had seen on TV and in the movies so I decided to sign up and the tour left the next day. The trip was a God send. On the bus I met a couple who were old enough to be my parents. They were the Pastor and First Lady of a church back in Maryland. They were visiting their son who was stationed at Ramstein, after enduring the loss of their 24-year old daughter.
"I was so honored and thankful the universe sent them my way..."
They befriended me immediately and the wife told me how her husband nearly forced her on the #trip (she was scared of flying). She said she finally agreed because she owed it to her daughter to not allow her daughter's death to cause her to stop living life. She said all she wanted to do was cry but knew that she owed it to her son to keep going as well. She asked me if they could take care of me on the trip; basically she wanted me to hang out with them being that I was by myself and she said that she could sense that I too was sad.
She told me that I was a comfort to her and that I reminded her of her daughter and she felt the whole thing was divinely conspired. I was so honored and thankful the universe sent them my way because they helped me to keep from breaking down in a city made for #lovers. It was comforting to me to have a surrogate mother figure there looking out for me.
Of course, what I was going through paled in comparison to the loss of a child. And although I cried myself to sleep every single night in my hotel room, yes that boo-hoo ugly type of crying, I got up the next day and put my best face forward. Being around her helped to give me strength. I even found some jeans I purchased that had an apropos message written across them which read, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
#Paris was amazing. The tour took us all over the City of Lights. We visited all of the primary monuments including, Notre-Dam de Paris, Sacré Cœur, Moulin Rouge, Les Invalides, Le Louvre, La Tour Eiffel, Arc de Triomphe, and Versailles. We dined at quaint restaurants and enjoyed all that Paris had to offer. I absolutely fell in love with the city and France in general. In many ways, it was the best and worst trip of my life. Little did I know that my #adventure was just beginning!
Get Inspired
Subscribe to my blog to be notified when I post part #2 of this life-changing trip! Read about another serendipitous connection I made when I traveled to England the next weekend after returning from Paris. Find out what happened when I returned to Germany and if I ever came face to face with my ex.